Post by URBAN FARMING on Mar 30, 2016 8:32:01 GMT -6
The old saying "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me," tries to convey the message that words can trigger us and that we can make the choice to take the words personally, or to find out what feelings and needs within ourselves the words are stirring up, and also, what feelings and needs are being communicated by the speaker. This requires us to listen to ourselves as well as others, with a new set of "ears," - a new perspective.
How can we master the art of healthy communication? The art of healthy communication evokes meaningful human connection and enriches our lives. It is the art of listening in a manner that enriches the lives of not only the person who is listening, but also the person who is speaking. In our experience, "Nonviolent CommunicationTM , a method of communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg Ph.D., is a very important form of healthy communication that can help transform our world.
Consider this passage from the book Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, Second Edition, page 51-53 by Marshall b. Rosenberg, Ph.D.:
"It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
1. Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that:
"It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures." "That really bugs me a lot."
2.The use of the expression "I feel (an emotion) because..." followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I:
"I feel hurt because you said you don't love me." "I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise."
3. Statements that mention only the actions of others:
"When you don't call me on my birthday, I feel hurt." "Mommy is disappointed when you don't finish your food."
In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, "I feel...because I..." For example:
1.) I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to
project a professional image."
2. I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my
brother."
3. "Mommy feels disappointed when you don't finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy."
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one's own feelings to others. When parents say, "It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school," they are implying that the child's actions are the cause of the parent's happiness or unhappiness. On the surface, taking responsibility for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring. It may appear that the child cares for the parent and feels bad because the parent is suffering. However, if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
The Needs at the Root of Feelings
Judgements, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. If some says, "You never understand me," they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled. If a wife says, "You've been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me," she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counter attack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately."
-Passage quoted From Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, Second Edition, page 51-53 by Marshall b. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
To purchase the third edition of this book, (forward written by Deepak Chopra) please visit:
www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1459346130&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+rosenberg
This book is extremely important for people who wish to create life-enriching relationships in all areas of their lives.
This approach to healthy communication contributes greatly to the harmonious growth of our human family.
We have found that it is important to learn this new approach to communication with consistency. It may likely take internal discipline and motivation to consistently learn about healthy communication, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
As we build our knowledge and experience with healthy communication, we transform our lives!
How can we master the art of healthy communication? The art of healthy communication evokes meaningful human connection and enriches our lives. It is the art of listening in a manner that enriches the lives of not only the person who is listening, but also the person who is speaking. In our experience, "Nonviolent CommunicationTM , a method of communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg Ph.D., is a very important form of healthy communication that can help transform our world.
Consider this passage from the book Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, Second Edition, page 51-53 by Marshall b. Rosenberg, Ph.D.:
"It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
1. Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that:
"It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures." "That really bugs me a lot."
2.The use of the expression "I feel (an emotion) because..." followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I:
"I feel hurt because you said you don't love me." "I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise."
3. Statements that mention only the actions of others:
"When you don't call me on my birthday, I feel hurt." "Mommy is disappointed when you don't finish your food."
In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, "I feel...because I..." For example:
1.) I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to
project a professional image."
2. I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my
brother."
3. "Mommy feels disappointed when you don't finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy."
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one's own feelings to others. When parents say, "It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school," they are implying that the child's actions are the cause of the parent's happiness or unhappiness. On the surface, taking responsibility for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring. It may appear that the child cares for the parent and feels bad because the parent is suffering. However, if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
The Needs at the Root of Feelings
Judgements, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. If some says, "You never understand me," they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled. If a wife says, "You've been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me," she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counter attack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately."
-Passage quoted From Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, Second Edition, page 51-53 by Marshall b. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
To purchase the third edition of this book, (forward written by Deepak Chopra) please visit:
www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1459346130&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+rosenberg
This book is extremely important for people who wish to create life-enriching relationships in all areas of their lives.
This approach to healthy communication contributes greatly to the harmonious growth of our human family.
We have found that it is important to learn this new approach to communication with consistency. It may likely take internal discipline and motivation to consistently learn about healthy communication, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
As we build our knowledge and experience with healthy communication, we transform our lives!